The Secret of the Mr. Accessory - First told Tuesday, October 23, 2007

 There's always been some mystery about the Mr. Accessory. Where did it come from? How did ancient Loathers use them? Some thought has always danced through all of our heads.

Some believe that the Mr. Accessory was a fingernail that fell off the gods in Valhalla after they mashed their thumb with a magical hammer. Some imagine that they just appeared to ruin monsters' lives. All this speculation and still no real answers came to be.

Nonetheless, why they were there was not a reason once andventurers learned of their power. Citizens of Loathing decided began to realize the awesome power which came from equipping once of these "accessories."

The citizens of Loathing decided to create contests allowing adventurers to compete with the use of the Mr. Accessories they obtained. These contests were called the Loatherly Games.

The Loatherly Games consisted of several games that used the power of the Mr. Accessory to its fullest. The first game was the Gnome-Tossing Contest. Needlesss to say, the grandfather of Hagnk, whom we all know and love, happened to be the only Gnome left in Seaside Town...

A second game was the Running-Into-Graffiti Wall. This, perhaps one of the most idiotic game, required adventurers to run face first into the graffiti wall as many times as possible. Not many were standing up straight after that particular game.

Then there was the Footrace with the Rushing Bums. Sadly, not many Adventurers could still outrun the Bums even with three Mr. Accessories. They tended to have more fun tripping them and watching them squirm only to hop up and sprint away.

As these games began to lose their luster, class type specific ones came up that were held more frequently now that more and more Adventurers were getting into the Loatherly Games. It was also a way for the Council to pick prime candidates to do quests in which they were too busy to complete themselves.

The first game was for the Muscle-based Guild. These men and women of strength were to face off against the many-armed big creepy spiders and the well-muscled Knob Goblins. Sadly to say, these wrestling matches were quite... unsanitary, to say the least.

The second game was for the Mysticality-based Guild. The men and women of magic were to attempt to de-animate undead elbow macaroni and possessed cans from the Pantry. The catch: They weren't allowed to just straight up kill them.

The third game was for the Moxie-based Guild. The sneakiest men and women were to steal the pants off of drunken and hungover half-orc hobos. Like everything else there was a downside. When in a crowd of the half-orc hobos, they tend to smell worse than a throng of filthy hippies.

The brave men and women were sent off by the Council, and everyone else trained for the next year. As the years passed, Adventurer's caught on to the Council's plans, and decided to just bypass this and attempt fighting with the Mr. Accessories in the first place.

Some smart Adventurers began to collect these Mr. Accessories believing that one day meat would fall behind the use of the shiny accessory as once did the beans did to meat. These lucky Adventurers weren't too far off.

Mysteriously, a store appeared within the Market. This store, ironically called Mr. Store, didn't deal in currency of meat. The storeowner, who oddly resembled the weird accessory, believed meat to be dirty and unsightly and thought that dealing in a strict currency of Mr. Accessories was ideal.

Adventurers flocked to sell off their Mr. Accessories in effort to gather some of the wares which this mysterious man held. Today, Adventurers still deal in Mr. Accessories in Mr. Store.

Sadly, we still know little about the Mr. Accessory himself. His creepy smile somehow holds the magical properties which forces power upon his user. And somehow, by gaining some weird papery currency from another world, one is bestowed with a Mr. Accessory through a short, bizarre sacrifical ritual.

The Tale of the 8-Bit Realm - First told Saturday, May 26, 2007

So once long ago, a happy resident from Seaside Town thought himself quite the intelligent soul. He came to wonder if there were other worlds beyond that of the Kingdom. In his efforts to find these other worlds, he began to wander into the Distant Woods where he soon found himself gravely lost.

This wanderer, who most would call C.M., sighed and sat down upon a rock. He was soon crossed by a strange figure dancing on top of a nearby log. This figure was like nothing he had seen before, playing a curious looking flute to an interesting melody.

Before C.M. could get up to question the figure, the little imp giggled and shook his faceless head at him. Immediately, the rock disappeared from underneathe C.M., who fell into a swirling, blocky hole. C.M. floated through this bizarre warp, blocked images flying past his eyes.

He soon hit what he thought a pool, for it felt like water but these same blocky images flitted up when he splashed. Coming to the shore, he breathed heavily, both shocked and scared of where he could have been. Pulling out his trusty Savory Sword, he began to wander through the shadowy... erm, forest.

Almost immediately, something wild and large ran past C.M., but invisible to his eyes. He jumped, nearly screaming, searching for the source of the "breeze." As he began to convince himself that nothing was there, it happened again. This time, the invisible creature tripped him and C.M. fell to the ground.

C.M. soon began screaming and shouting for help, wondering just what in the world was happening to him. "You okay, mister?" came a calm, yet strong voice from out of nowhere.

"Who are you, where are you?!" C.M. shouted, waving his Savory Sword wildly through the air. He heard a faint plink and saw his sword catch something.

"You need to be careful with that!" the voice said angrily. C.M. soon fell to the ground. He could only guess the invisible figure deflected his previous attack.

C.M. coughed for a minute before speaking up. "Um... I'm sorry, but I can't..."

"You can't see me?" the voice said. C.M. nodded. "Most likely because, well, you're different from our world..." the voice stated. "I'm sure the Old Man could figure out a way to help you though... But how to get you to follow..."

"I can follow your voice if you, well, keep talking," C.M. suggested.

The voice sighed heavily before stating, "I really don't like to talk that much, I'm a better fighter than a public speaker..."

"Well, maybe you could just lead me," C.M. replied. The figure gave another huff of breath, but then chuckled to himself. After another peculiar song rose as if out of nowhere, C.M. found himself spinning around so fast that the somewhat blurred scenery became even less visible, and soon found the colors to be vaguely different.

C.M. soon heard a new voice, this one older and more, well, crotchity. He guessed this to be the Old Man. "So this is the guy?"

"Yes, sir. He can't see anything in this world..." said the young voice.

"Hrm..." the Old Man said. C.M., now greatly confused by the whole ordeal, fell to the ground in a heap of confusion. Suddenly, a bizarre disklike object began to float towards him. He blinked as this the first clear object he had seen all day.

The Old Man then stated, "Hold this, with it, you will be able to see the forms in this world. Unfortunately for you... You will only see them in a very simple view. I'm afraid our forms are too complex for your eyes..." As C.M. took the disk into his hands, it glowed and shimmered with amazing power.

Slowly, the figures began to take shape from the foggy chameleoned colors to actual figures. The Old Man, although appearing in this weird blocklike form, did still look like an old man. The young voice came from what appeared to be a young man, garbed in green with a sword and a shield.

"Well finally, maybe now you won't ask so many questions," said the young man. C.M. raised a finger as if to say something else, but the Old Man shook his head. The young man then said, "If anyone else needs me, I'll be going back to save the princesses with that plumber guy..."

"No wait!" C.M. said. "What about this world, can I explore it with you?" The young man muttered, shaking his poorly defined head.

"Fine, whatever, just don't get in my way..." So C.M. began walking with the young man, only to keep questioning everything that happened. He soon found out that the young warrior was named Link. When C.M. went to ask Link why he was named Link, Link in turn asked C.M. what kind of name C.M. was, and silence then ensued.

Link then pointed out a figure over the hills, it was an angry looking red-octopus. C.M. then asked, "What is that?"

Link chuckled and drew his sword. "Are you ready for this?"

C.M. blinked confused, holding his sword shakily. "What?! We're going to attack that thing?" Immediately the red octopus turned towards the two of them.

"So much for the element of surprise," Link muttered. The octopus began to advance towards them, but soon a loud kaboom sounded off in the distance. As if from nowhere, a giant bullet rocketed into the area, punched the octopus with its tiny arms, and immediately spin around to charge towards C.M. and Link.

Link immediately lifted his shield. "That's a Bullet Bill... Just watch out." The Bullet Bill pummeled towards the two. C.M. screamed and dove behind Link. However, the Bullet Bill soon fell to the ground, a pair of blue overalls flying away from the scene.

"Damnit, plumber!" Link shouted. C.M. slightly sat up, peering over Link's shoulder. "Oh, well, it's gone..." C.M. immediately had more questions, hands waving wildly. Link muttered, head hanging, continuing to lead C.M. on.

While traveling through, making their way to the forest, Link taught C.M. how to effectively defeat these odd monsters. He also explained what C.M. was seeing were pixels instead of the full forms that they were all made up of in this world. C.M. explained to Link that in his world they didn't use those odd jewels or coins but meat as their currency.

Link merely laughed at him, but C.M. glanced closer to the jewel that one of the Octoroks just dropped. It had extra pixels left on it, in which C.M. picked up and took into his hand. Link was quite amazed, especially since this never had happened before. They returned to the Old Man, who also was quite baffled.

"Never before in my life have I seen the pixels been extracted..." Old Man stated. C.M. and the Old Man worked diligently with these leftover pixels, and C.M. soon learned how to create items from their world through the configuration of the pixels.

With this newfound knowledge, C.M. soon began to miss his own world. Having been stuck in this one was interesting, but he missed the smell of Seaside Town and the crazy Council members. The Old Man said quietly, "There is a way to return you to your world... But it is difficult."

"How do we do it, I'm somewhat tired of being here..." C.M. whined. The Old Man glared at him.

"If we can somehow make the disk unlock the door between the worlds, you will be able to go back home and still be able to come back whenever you activate the disk..."

"Let's do it!" C.M. shouted.

The Old Man hit him with his stick. "Calm down. This will take great concentration... We have to work diligently..."

At that very moment, C.M. pushed a round button on the disk, it whirred slightly and a odd wooden door soon appeared. The Old Man stopped mid-sentence, glaring at C.M. "Just go."

C.M., estatic with his ability to go home, rushed to the door and ran immediately through it. After an irritating sequence of glowing lights and blinking colors, C.M. found himself in the deepest corner of the Distant Woods. Overjoyed with his return home, he took off the disk, the door disappearing behind him.

Rushing back to Seaside Town, C.M. didn't notice the fact that twenty-five years had passed. As he talked to friends and family members, they began to dismiss his adventure as more than just an elaborate dream. Perhaps he had lost his mind when he was lost in the woods....

The Creation of the Friars - First told Wednesday, May 9, 2007

The friars are a peculiar tale within the Kingdom. Long ago, they didn't exist, but then again, no religions of any sort did. In the age of King Ralph the First, the kingdom had a small band of fanatics that began to tell the king of a higher plane of existance and of a lower plane of purgatory. King Ralph the first began to listen, but noted these stories as all he could chalk them up to be, wild stories.

At about the age of King Ralph the Seventh, this band established a small locale deep in the Distant Woods. At this time, they would explore the possibilities of these two celestial realms and what one could do to attain proof of them. The leader of this band's name was Bob, but he went by the name of Brother Octopus.

Under Brother Octopus's direction, the group would experiement with all manners of things in effort to open a portal to one of these mysterious realms. Although they were unable to unravel the mysteries of the higher plane, short of killing someone pure and untainted, they began to find ways into the lower plane. Starting with a pentagram, a single candle, and a small stick, the clan was able to summon a small, seemingly beat-up imp.

This imp growled angrily at the group, yet Brother Octopus immediately walked up to the imp and punched it in its already casted leg. It screamed and responded, "W-w-why did you d-d-do that?"

"From where do you hail, imp?" Brother Octopus asked. The imp stared directly at him and growled, rubbing its leg. "Hey Deze, where else?" it responded. The clan seemed pleased with their findings and immediately sent the imp back, screaming, into the portal from whence it came.

With this finding, Brother Octopus and the clan continued with their findings only to further and further toy with these portals into Hey Deze. They encountered many a imp or fiend, some friendly while others not. After making an agreement with one archfiend, they began to get take out orders from the local Hey Deze Gold Arches.

Being constantly stuffed by these dark fatty foods, the clan finally decided on the name of the Deep Fat Friars around the age of King Ralph the Ninth. Granted by this time, the King and Council fully believed their stories of Hey Deze and the higher plane in which the Friars had dubbed Valhalla. Often, the Friars would perform their rituals for the King and council as amusement and funding.

With great funding from the Kingdom, the Friars were able to establish their copse with greater equipment than before in the Distant Woods. And thus, a steady, stable religion and religious group was established in the Kingdom.

However as the Friars began to snatch up economy in the Kingdom, the bean slowly began to fade out of the currency of the Kingdom. This caused a great uproar in the Cobb's Knob, especially within the Treasury. The Bean Counters of the Cobb questioned why this decree of the bean no longer being part of the currency was coming about. As the answer fell upon the shoulders of the Friars, the Bean Counters grabbed their visors and fistfuls of the now worthless beans and marched to the Copse.

As the Goblins came to the edge of the Copse, all appeared normal and quiet with no one around. As the Bean Counters marched in, suddenly a large impish foot came down and squashed the leading one. The Goblins screamed and scrambled, unable to figure out just was attacking them.

The forest was aflame with madness. Imps grabbing and beating the living insanity out of Goblins, dragging them back into Hey Deze portals. At the center of this confusion was a group of five Friars, two playing heavy metal thunderrr guitarrrs, two waving eldritch butterknives unceasingly, and the fifth chanting something while waving his arms around like a madman.

A few of the Goblins retreated, but the majority were drug back into the portals within the center of a solitary decagram. As the Friars cheered, a few of the imps scoffed under their breath, muttering something about getting the Friars back for using them all these years.

The Legend of the Naughty Sorceress - First told Friday, April 20, 2007

This is a story about her naughtiness, the Naughty Sorceress... Way back when, she used to be called Nancy Sue. She was a student of that mean ol' wizard Fernswarthy long, long ago. One of his best students. Oh, she was a good little student. Knew all of her spells, got A+s on every assignment. But when she was about to be graduating from Fernswarthy's academy, ol' Fernswarthy began to get a little crotchity about how smart she was.

He gave her a very difficult task. Fernswarthy wanted Nancy Sue to challenge the three toughest adventurers in all of the Kingdom. So Nancy Sue set out to find the three strongest adventurers in the entire Kingdom.

She first met a young warrior attempting to teach a Sabre-Toothed Lime to headbutt a seal. She thought to herself, 'He must be very strong, since he is working in both Seal Clubber and Turtle Tamer regiments!' So she called out to the warrior, "I challenge you, brave warrior. Whomever can eat the most White Citadel Burgers is the strongest warrior in all the land!"

Naturally, a warrior like this one would not back down from a challenge, even from a little teenage girl. So Nancy Sue and the warrior sat down, and began the battle of who could eat the most burgers. Easily, the warrior won, and Nancy Sue was not happy. Nancy Sue then said, "You have won, but I will challenge you again!"

She then continued on her journey and saw a singing, dancing rogue sneaking into a nearby tavern. Nancy Sue thought to herself, 'Any rogue that can sing and dance like that has to be the best rogue in the land!' She called out to him. "I challenge you, sleuthy sneak. Whomever can steal the most booze out of this Tavern is the sneakiest rogue in the land!"

Naturally, a rogue like this one would never back down from a challenge, especially one from such a loud and obnoxious girl. So they began the challenge, but poor Nancy Sue tripped over her own leather boots before she could even steal one bottle. The rogue was the winner. Nancy Sue was even angrier now, and thus she called out, "You have won, but I will challenge you again!"

So Nancy Sue continues on her trip, and sees a fantastic wizard conjuring full meals out of thin air. She thinks to herself, 'He must be the best wizard in the land!' Nancy Sue knew she had the wizard beat this time. So she called out with great confidence, "I challenge you, mystical wizard! Whomever can conjure the most spaghetti with Skullheads is the greatest sorcerer in all the land!"

Naturally, a wizard like this one would never back down to a challenge, especially one made by a girl so silly looking as her. And so they began the challenge, the wizard conjuring massive amounts of spaghetti, and Nancy Sue keeping up with him. Then, all of a sudden, a big wind came, and Nancy Sue sneezed, losing concentration, and losing the contest. She was extremely angry now, knowing magic was her best skill. She screamed at him, "You may have won, but I will, I WILL challenge you again!!"

So Nancy Sue returned to Fernwarthy's Tower, defeated three times by strong, moxious, and magical adventurers. Fernswarthy came up to her, laughing. Fernswarthy said to her, "If you cannot pass this final test, I think you should leave the academy." So, Nancy Sue did. She gathered her five trusty familiars and left to live alone. She traveled east, into a vast forest where darkness loomed, twisted trees making angry faces...

After looking at the sad faces of her familiars, Nancy Sue could not run away any further. She decided that payback was the best way. And not just on Fernswarthy, on those three adventurers as well. So, with all the magic she could muster that night, she began to conjure up a tower... A dark evil base of operations for her. With every brick that magicked into place, the naughtier she got.

And so she then sent an invitation to the three adventurers that previously defeated her, as well as her former teacher. However, Nancy Sue wasn't as cunning as we know her now. She waited in the main chamber for them. When the three arrived, they did not see the same silly, young girl that they battled what seemed so long ago. They saw a menacing, laughing figure in the back of the hall.

Surrounding them were gianormous familiars and dancing shadowed figures. The three fought hard, using magic, moxie, and muscle, using items, weapons, and familiars, using every breath of their bodies... They survived the horrors she had presented, but there still was the fact that the shadowed sorceress was standing back there, laughing at them. She began to conjure a large, swirling vortex, laughing menacingly as she stared at the three of them. All of the sudden, they found themselves trapped in odd-shaped prisms, and then they all disappeared.

Standing in the doorway of the chamber was Fernswarthy, there to see the final moments of the three adventurer's lives. He began to applaud, but Nancy Sue stopped him. "Don't even, old man..." She began to conjure up another ripply, swirly spell. Fernswarthy began to run, finding that he was truly frightened. Fernswarthy then raised his arms in the air. Her spell flew at him, he muttered something under his breath. As the spell hit him, he vanished in a puff of smoke. It sorta smelt like burnt tinfoil.

The Three Bugbears - First told Saturday, March 24, 2007

Once upon a time, in the Nearby Plains, there was a little cottage where three Bugbears lived. Poppa Bugbear, Momma Bugbear, and Baby Bugbear. So one day, the Bugbear family decided they were going to have a fantastic picnic so they packed a wonderful lunch and walked to the outskirts of Cobb's Knob. The Bugbear family began to unpack their delicious lunch of Knoll shroomkabobs, mushroom pizzas, and cherry pies when they heard an awful sound.

This sound was loud and angry, and seemed to come from the entrance of Cobb's Knob. Poppa Bugbear stood up and went to see what was happening. Poppa Bugbear saw a bunch of Knob Goblins making a lot of noise while they were cooking a barbecue. They had Knob sausages on the grill and spicy noodles as a side dish. All of a sudden, one of the Goblins saw Poppa Bugbear. He immediately ran back to his family and hurried them back to the house. They left their picnic basket... And they also forgot Baby Bugbear!

As the Knob Goblins closed in on Baby Bugbear, there was another awful sound... It was the mighty Goblin King with his glass balls, flowing cape, and menacing crown. He ordered to take Baby Bugbear and make him dance with the Harem Girls. When Poppa Bugbear and Momma Bugbear got home and realized they left Baby Bugbear, they ran to the Degrassi Knoll to ask their Gnollish friends for help.

The Gnolls were not pleased. The Gnolls agreed to storm Cobb's Knob if only the Bugbear family signed a specific contract. The Bugbear family agreed before even knowing what they had to do. In stormed the Gnolls into the Cobb, knocking over tables and chairs. They found poor Baby Bugbear dressed like a Harem girl, dancing for the King. How awful for the little bugbear!

The Gnolls took Baby Bugbear and beat up the Goblin King, for good measure. When the Bugbear family was reunited, the Gnolls came back with the contract that the Bugbears signed. It said that the Bugbears would forever help protect the Gnolls from the Goblins and any other threats. And that is why now Bugbears are the bloodthirsty, ravenous pets of Gnolls, who aren't much less bloodthirsty...